Thursday, July 13, 2017

üçümsü

eminim ki aşırı gelişmiş, antenli uzaylılar aşırı kocaman galaksideki aşırı büyük teleskoplarıyla bana bakıp taşşak geçiyorlardır. buna eminim. teleskoplarının aşırı büyük olduğunaysa çok emin değilim, belki de o kadar geliştilerse çükleriyle falan da bakıyor olabilirler. gerçi öyle bir durumda çükleri de yoktur muhtemelen. kafası çalışan adamın çükü olmaz.

bana yeni şeylerden bahsedin. herhangi bir şeyden; çünkü kafamın içindekilerden çok sıkıldım. mesela neden bir telefon uzağımızdaki insanlara on beş bin milyon ışık yılı kadar uzak olduğumuzdan bahsedin. artık anlatıcı konumundan dinleyici konumuna geçmek istiyorum. konumsuz ortamlarda binlerce yıldızın altında konusuz konulardan bahsedelim istiyorum. mesela geri dönmek bu kadar zorken dünya neden her gün kendi etrafında dönüyor? (şaka bir yana bunu cidden bilmediğinizi biliyorum ve sırf sizin bu ahmaklığınız yüzünden, galaksinin uzak bir köşesinde ilkokul fen bilgisi öğretmenleriniz bileklerini kesiyorlar.)

fazlaca şaka yapan biri için hayatı fazla ciddiye alıyorum. ve şakalarımın komikliğiyle hayatımın sikkoluğu doğru orantılı. matematik öğretmenleri mutlu; çünkü oran orantıyı asla unutmadık. çünkü bir şeyleri bir şeylere oranlamak çok cool ve cool çocukları herkes çok sever. ama niyeyse geceleri yattığımızda kendimizi sevmiyoruz.

peki kendimizi bile sevmiyorken başkalarını sevdiğimizi nasıl iddia edebiliyoruz? niye bu kadar malız amk, acaba ebeveynlerimiz de mi maldı? onlar birbirlerini seviyorlar mıydı acaba? yoksa ezici çoğunluğumuz bir kaçışın ürünü müyüz? onu tam bilemesem de bir boşalışın ürünü olduğumuzu söyleyebilirim. bir yerlerde kıllı birileri "oh!" dedi ve biz olduk. kılsız birileri de saatine baktı muhtemelen.

her sabah niye uyandığımızı çözdüğümüzde büyük ihtimalle bütün bunları da çözmüş olacağız. o zaman da her şeyi bildiğimiz için mutsuz olacağız. sanırım insanoğlu genetik olarak mutsuz olmak için kodlanmış. en azından kafası çalışanlar öyle. yanıma bir çift geldi, dikkatim dağıldı. sikeyim onları. kendin tekken çiftler hep bunaltıcı gelir. gerçi bunların ikisi de erkek galiba, sahil çok karanlık.

düşünce trenim kaçtı ve bende bir inek kadar bile hayranlık yok. sanki hiç benim olmamış gibi. dalgalar gelip gidiyor, gelip gidiyor, gelip-

üzgünüm, sanırım yine hayal ettiğin şekilde bitiremedim.

Monday, July 3, 2017

promises

hit the delete button. as if the dysfunctional brain had one. delete all the promises as well. as if the dysfunctional heart could keep them.

so many dead birds, lying on the grass. did our love kill them? did it kill itself as well?

are we murderers?

we are worse i guess. the word "we" becomes more selfish than the word "me", as we drown in our stupidity. 

could this inferno make me sweat enough to deprive me of my loneliness?

inhaling the green with random strangers, on random hills. pretty much sums it up. every night a different story, but the same promises. promises that feed on despair. promises all end up in disappointment.

1050 days weren't enough to get to know you. 1 was enough. i guess i was the stupid one after all. funny.

man, what a clusterfuck this is. liar.

my love was pure, and purely coincidental. like every other one i guess. but when the promises start equaling the lies... have i already said clusterfuck?

Sunday, June 25, 2017

i'm gonna try

i promise.

this is derailing rather quickly. do i stop counting now? is it easy to stop remembering as well? for you it is maybe. maybe not. does it matter? i think not.

i've been getting so much praise lately, about the shit i write. i never really understood why. why do we read something that someone else wrote? why do we waste time with that? but again when you think about it, time is just there to be wasted.

cause it will all end some day. like it did some days ago. the thing is, it always ends and begins alike in a tedious loop and we get used to it. that's probably why we, humans, have a really hard time grasping the idea of it all ending one day and never beginning again. and really, what would it mean if we could bring ourselves to comprehend it?

*takes off his t-shirt cause the desert is too damn hot*

i still have my shorts on tho, so don't you worry little sunshine.

there is so much that i want to do. and there is also so much that i have to do. (to want and to have to are brothers sharing the same father but different mothers. and mothers are -just to remind you- important.) yet, i can never get to do any of those things. i wake up, i blink, and then i realize ten hours have passed. in just one blink of the eye. not an eye, mind you, but the eye. my eye.

you could have all the coffee in the world, yet it wouldn't change shit unless that coffee had dignity in it instead of caffeine. you could take a flight to anywhere in the world, yet it wouldn't mean shit if you didn't bring your heart with you. the word 'heart' has 'tear' in it, and a lonely 'h'. i guess i'm just gonna take the 'h' with me because i didn't deserve the tears.

inhaling the green while sitting on the green, under the purple. the sounds of others mixed with the sound of a bathtub. did you know that the bathtub has a sound? because it doesn't.

they constantly tell me that i should write, and write, and write. meaningless piles of words, put on top of each other. i don't know why, but i'm gonna try.

i promise.

Friday, September 23, 2016

2012

hani konuşmamak gelir ya bazen içinden
bir şeyler vardır ama anlatamazsın
bilemezsin

dakikalar saniyelerden kaçar ve bakarsın
senden koşarak uzaklaşan tüm o şeylere
yenileri eklenir ve onlar da kaybolur

korktuğunu itiraf edersin kendine
ama rahatlayamazsın
korkarak gideceğin yere
bugün varamazsın

güçlü kelimelerin vardır belki
düşüncelerin, gözlerinden dökülen
hissedemezken daha fazla bir şeyi
var olduğunu sanarsın

suçlusundur pek çok şeyde
bilirsin ama kabullenemezsin
derin bir iç çekişte
dışarıya kim bilir kimleri verirsin

ve bir de geri dönenler vardır
çok istediğin halde dudakların düğümlenir
saçmalarsın
tekrar gitmelerinden korkar
susarsın

en mutlu olduğunu sandığın anda
ağlamak için yırtınırsın ve
bir tek damla düşmez gözlerinden
anlayamazsın
ağlayamazsın

sarılırsın seni sen yapan o şeye
var gücünle sıcaklığını hissedersin
ama bilirsin ki birinizden biri bırakmak zorunda
o sen olsan da üzülürsün
olmasan da

ve her gün dışarı çıktığında
yüzlerine bakıp sırıtırsın
kimse bir şey bilmez
böyle gülücüklerle dolu bir dünya
hadi artık lütfen dur biraz
ve ağla

Thursday, August 4, 2016

schizo

"how is it like to feel alone?" he asked. "i never feel alone." i replied. 

it was dark but i could feel him looking at me. he said; "but you're alone now."

he was waiting for an answer. 

"i know." i said. 

"so how does it feel?"

"i like being alone." i murmured. by that time, i had already lost the count of how many times i said that. "is that so?" he asked and i said "yes." as if i was telling him the sky was blue. 

"you always say that but i'm sure deep inside you know it's not true." 

i raised my eyebrows as i felt terribly uncomfortable. was he right? could it be true? he would know. he knew everything. i never questioned his judgement but he always questioned mine. 

"i think it's time for you to go." i whispered silently and as i stopped talking, i could feel that he was no longer here. then a soft wind touched the back of my neck, as it sent the chills down my spine and i heard:

"but you know i always am."

Thursday, February 18, 2016

see you on the other side

i'm not gonna blame anyone or anything. i'm not gonna curse them. because no matter how much i wish for them to suffer, it's always the innocents who pay the price. it could be me, or someone i love who'll be forgotten in less than a week. maybe even 48 hours. now i'm just afraid and that's all i can say. i'm scared.

how many, who or how are totally irrelevant to me now. it doesn't matter. it won't change anything. all it does is to make me wonder; why am i living, why do i try so hard, towards what do i keep paddling if it's all going to end in an instant and because of reasons that are unknown to me. why do i have to fear a war, that i never wanted to be a part of? or forget about me, just ask the same questions for those people who happened to be passing through that street today.

until today, i tried not to think about these things. i tried to keep my mind off of them. but i can't anymore. i don't know how to explain this but even though i didn't read or learn much about what happened today, there is this feeling that haunts me inside my house. haunts me in whichever room i wander. it is as if all that death collapse on me and i'm sure that i'm not the only one feeling this.

they are dead. what else there is to say? they are dead like the ones who died some months ago or the ones who died some months before that or the ones who keep dying everyday in the east. they are just dying. like i could just die. like you could. will i forget about it tomorrow, or the next day? what happens if i still remember it after some time? what will change, who will change it?

it's just messed up, like every other stupid shit in this country.

i don't blame you, so please don't blame me.

see you on the other side.

Friday, July 31, 2015

honor thy father

hello blog. it's been a fucking while. it's good to see some people are still reading even though there wasn't anything new to read for the past 5 months.

maybe you noticed that my homepage is gone. it's gone because i decided not to pay for it anymore, the money they asked for it was ridiculous. however, i still have the domain. domain is a funny word.

the title speaks of a song by dream theater. mike portnoy wrote it for his step-father. apparently he treated little mikey bad and he wanted to get back at him. somebody's been treating little arda badly as well but i'm not gonna go as far as the lyrics of that song.

bla bla bleh bluh i'm talking nonsense again. i wish my uni would just let me graduate saying: "thank's for the effort, it's been 5 years you don't have to come here anymore." in a dream world it would be cool but graduating from the uni is not a dream for me, it's a fucking obligation. and you know what? i have a terrible history with obligations.

you can't tell me what i can or cannot do you fuckface. and don't even think about should or shouldn't. you can't tell anyone anything. you also sure as fuck can't tell kanye nothing. so suck it.

fucking judgmental people. they are everywhere. don't they have a life? other than messing with other people's shit? an individual shouldn't be tied to anything. not a woman, a man, a father, a sister, a brother. not to a friend as well. mothers could be optional because in the end we all came from inside of them. that says something. i mean unless you carry a fucker inside you for 9 months, you have no right to say anything. and maybe you can't even if you did.

i'm gonna let you get out of my head because it's cloudy as always. BUT WITHOUT TREES. i wish french horns could grow flowers when u blew inside of them. things would be a lot easier. later dudes and dudettes.