Sunday, December 21, 2014


the world fluctuates around me, as the machine keeps making those weird noises. my eyes get dark, as i lose my balance and i've been out of balance for a while.

all this time, i knew it somehow. something somewhere misplaced. too much caring until now, for the things that didn't matter one bit. friendship.

i'll take a pill, to numb me down. as i wake up everyday with that same old frown. he says there's nothing to worry about but i'm not worried about that at all. i'm worried that i'll never reach that door, i'm worried that i'll never make it through.

i won't care for you. i won't. i won't grow old in the place that damaged me this much and i most certainly won't die there.

my brain is damaged. now it comes with a cd to prove it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

does she take it in the ass?

cause we all do sometimes.

this was a common question back in the 90s or whatever. and i'm basing this on the assumption that most countries of the world are as equally sick as turkey.

that's not the point however. now i feel like an author who ran out of ideas and can't produce anything good anymore. well, that might be the case but i haven't ran out of ideas, it's just that time chases my ideas away from me.

i know i promised to complete my story but there were obstacles on the road, and if you know me a little, i suck at avoiding those. anyway, like anyone cared about the beginning of all things to end. i mean, the title kind of gives it all away but i'm not gonna spoil anything for you. maybe i'll complete it after all.

now, about the title of this post. it doesn't necessarily mean anything special. i didn't mean to sound sexist or degrade women or whatever you feminist suckers (pun intended) might call it but there is a girl i see 2-3 times a week and when i accidentally stumbled upon a photo of her, this question came to my mind. not like i wanna know the answer or this might be some twisted reality, i don't even know the girl, but like the feeling when you see a banana and suddenly all you can think of is the dark knight trilogy. you know right? my brain didn't come with a warranty and it wasn't even fully functioning when i took it out of the box.

i would love to say "shady's back bitches!", but he is most certainly not. hope the lab explodes tomorrow.

p.s. i love women, i loathe feminists.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

hello world

long time no see. i kind of missed this place. my girly diary that no one reads, but still a pretty big deal for me because at times this is the only place that i can be myself.

i come from a country where dreams die everyday. a country where the spark of life and joy left people's eyes long ago. i feel that there is only sadness here; grief, hate and an awful lot of misunderstandings. and it's not only for me, it's everywhere. it's not new that i don't like this place and want to leave it asap but lately, there is something more than that.

honestly i'm not having the greatest of times lately but whenever i happen to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a freight train coming my way. and each time i become more hopeless. hetfield anyone?

the best time of my life is now two years behind me, with all that it gave and with all that it took. i always thought it was good that i lived it, with whatever happened but lately i feel that maybe it was not. you ask why? well...

it opened my eyes. the eyes which were covered for 20 years. it made me see. made me feel. i saw how easy everything actually was; how easy it was to live, to love, to trust, to be happy. i saw how life was actually meant to be and how it is stolen from us here. i saw things that were unfair and the only thing in my power to fix it was leaving this place. but now i realize the ugly truth; i'm trapped in a swamp with people pushing me further into it.

wherever i turn my eyes, i see sadness. sad people feeding off of other people's sadness. can a place really exist where other people's sadness make some others happy? yes it can. it exists right at the spot of a supposed bridge that connects east and west but the only thing it actually connects is some shit to some other.

maybe there are reasons, maybe there are explanations but i'm tired of it all. i'm tired of seeing grown up people act like children. i'm tired of seeing people that don't talk to each other for the stupidest of reasons and are unable to talk the way humans supposed to do. i'm tired of how people never try to fix things but always try to make them worse. i'm tired of seeing how love fades, even the strongest ones. i'm tired of seeing how one is always right and there is no other way for them. i'm tired of how strict we are, how stubborn we are, how hateful we are and how full of shit we are. i'm tired of it all.

how easy it is to lose someone, when it is so hard to get to know them in the first place.

i used to have hope, have dreams that drove me but now it's darker than ever. i come from a country where i die everyday, among many others. when i wrote sad things before, many years ago and were so emo, i hated life. now it's not like that. i love life. but back then i wanted to die a real death when i was surrounded by light because i was too stupid and now i want to live a real life but surrounded by darkness. guess the timing's never right huh?

everyone's so sad in this place so if your way ever crosses here, just change it. and hope that i can also change it someday. the need to breathe has never been greater.

Monday, August 25, 2014

all the memories, hit my head like flashes. i'm half drunk, wonder where the other half is. just one photo to set my mind free of it's leashes and you just can't imagine what all these unleashes.

i feel like i'm in a movie. flashbacks punching my head. everything's so vivid that i can almost touch it. i recall pushing those numbers, what was it? come on tell me. i know it but i just can't remember. my great mind that remembers everything? oh it sure as hell is fucked up. was it 4? 4213? got to check it. was it mine? was it yours? they were the same i remember. that fucking panda.

get the fuck out of here already.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

a change of seasons

there was once a blossoming land, untouched by no sins. the life was just as it's meant to be and it also rained sometimes. it didn't snow or no lightning stroke the earth. you could be a bird and you could fly free. there was no sign of an apple, nor a snake. it definitely was no heaven, so no adam and eve were there to mess things up. it was much better than that.

there were no houses, there was nothing to claim. when you took a walk for hours, it would end up all the same, yet different. new. there was a constant change for the better and when you felt like lying on the greenest of grasses, the trees were kaleidoscopes. 

so little time in a timeless place. so much love for a loveless heart. when you felt like climbing on a tree, it would remain all the same. and when you felt too tired to go down, the stars were now on the ground. calling you home.

so silently you stood against the wind. and when you became friends, you let it carry you. the clouds were smiling at the sun, they were old friends too. in a reasonless land. bright purple eyes, light shadows. 

no memory of lost and found, nothing to remember where there is nothing to forget. sweet sensations of a sugary bed of roses, pure reflections on a blooming surface. notes of 1/4 to chill the day, moons of honey not honeymoons to play. for it was a land with no such reason, you would soon realize that it was just a change of seasons. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014


dead eyes see no future. what's dead is her heart i guess, rather than her eyes. they were the liveliest eyes i've seen in my entire life, so they better not die.

Friday, May 30, 2014

blue sky

needle goes in, blood flows out. euphoria.

all the colors you like, bursts out of my eyes. the world is upside down and it's not turning. the thing inside my chest stopped pounding months ago, now it's just burning.

the spirit leaves the body, flies off to the western shore. lucid. i know i was crazy before but now i'm just stupid.

this is not a god damn poem, i don't know why everything's rhyming. if i knew somethings before, now i wouldn't be writing.

fuck it. stop. all these words i put together, i wish i could put my life together. it's crumbling, rotting in this shit hole. my salvation passed so long ago.

alright. it keeps rhyming. like we used to rhyme so good in some january. even our names rhymed.

the days and hours are just numbers now. all they do is change. don't really mean a thing. it's just sad to wake up everyday and smile to their faces, when you keep missing something.

don't inject cancer in your body and please don't act like a stranger. we know each other more than the sun knows the moon.

Monday, May 19, 2014

the chair on the right

all the things we thought we would see... and all those we see instead. why do we choose to miss? why do we choose to be sad, alone?

having people around doesn't mean you're not alone. if you see the eyes you recall from the past in every person's eye you stare at today; you're not there, you're somewhere else. you're alone.

you could roll one, light it up and look up in the sky. that cloud passed from here some hours ago, i saw it too. did it carry something to you? 

i now live a half-life. during the day i sleep with my eyes opened and during the night i'm wide awake with my eyes closed. because i see you every night, almost. in various situations, faces, clothes... i see you with various smiles and various tears. tears i wipe away from your eyes and wake up with in mine.

i told that blonde-haired girl the other night; "you live in the future, i live in the past and we both fuck up the present.". she nodded. i wish i could take your hand, pull you from my past and put you in my future. i don't give a shit if the present is fucked up, it's fucked up anyway.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


i loved her not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons.

Monday, May 5, 2014

forget to remember

almost 5 years ago, i had these words tattooed on my inner left arm. they meant so much at the time and they still do, in a different way though. too many things have changed from that guy 5 years ago to me, how i am today. and this is of course thanks to some very important people that are still in my life, or left it during this journey. i shouldn't lose my train of thought now.

these words, weren't an invention of mine. they were actually the name of a song of one of my all time favorite bands, mudvayne. however, the reason i'm writing this post is not any of this. i'm writing today because i found out that another song named "forget to remember" was composed by megadeth last year, which is obviously another favorite band of mine.

at first i was surprised because i almost know all of the songs by megadeth and it was nearly impossible for me to miss a song with this name. then i realized it's a very new song. so i listened... again and again, until i fell in love with it. it's not that great of a song, but what it represents captured me instantly. considering my situation now, this wasn't a surprise. the lyrics, the way mustaine sings were just amazing.

there's a difference though. the way these two songs tell the tale. the one by mudvayne, the one that made me have that tattoo, was for me to forget to remember. it repeated "will i ever forget to remember?" over and over. however, the one by megadeth, the one that i've just found some hours ago, is different. it says someting else. it says that i am forgotten, and it stings. the lyrics mean a lot and i'm going to share them but even though i was happy to find this song at the beginning, it turned out to be a little bit sad. i wish things could be different...

though the tattoo means twice as much now.

Sands in the hourglass fall for us all
You don't answer me anymore when I call
So much is trapped inside, tangled in your brain
It's getting cold outside and it looks like rain
The sky is falling and my heart is caving in

So, now the time has come to say the long goodbye
The setting of the sun reflecting in your eyes
Day after day after day the world will pass you by, you forget to remember

If this is living, what the hell is living for?
You've boarded up your eyes, your mind has locked the door
I'm just a stranger now with an unfamiliar face
You can't recall me at all, there's not a trace... not a trace... not a trace
I don't know where you are and my world is crumbling in

So, now the time has come to say the long goodbye
The setting of the sun reflecting in your eyes
Day after day after day the world is passing you by, you forget to remember

I just want to talk - What do you want?
But you've nothing to say - Leave me alone
I beg you to come - Get away from me
And you just walk away - I have no idea who you are!
I curse the day that your smile fades away, til' then I pray

A burning candle in and at both ends
With all that we've learned, yet we still pretend
I just wish you could say my name again

They made the lock and broke the key, the culprit was the mercury
The vaccine wipes your memories, till you forget even how to breathe
A tangled web they weave, when they practice to deceive

So, now the time has come to say the long goodbye
The setting of the sun reflecting in your eyes
Day after day after day the world has passed you by
I said that I'd be strong, but you know I had to lie

You forget to remember
You forget to's time to say the long goodbye
fuck you, dave.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

the beginning of all things to end - part III

it's been a long time (6 months, really?); if you want to refresh your memory, part I and part II are here. if not, here we go.


it was nearly the end of may, not one of my favorite months to be honest. i don't know, there's always something weird about may. it's like a transition month, a change, and i've never been a great fan of changes. i always had this feeling that the change is unknown. no matter what i have going on is good or bad, changes always scared me. because some part of me always knew that things would eventually change for worse. just like that day in may.

the curtains were moving slowly with the warm and gentle wind. i could clearly see the greenest palm trees i've ever seen through the open window; the sun was rising, taking it's time, like passionately touching the horizon. i could hear the waves slowly coming and going in the distance and the sky was a beautiful mixture of all the morning colors. i didn't remember waking up like that before, so peaceful. as if the world stood still and we were the only ones awake to sit and watch it. we... i could feel her breathing slowly. her head on my arm, facing me. if there was anything that could be more gorgeous than that scene out of the window, it would be her. how dare i even compare. she liked using my arm as her pillow and that morning was no different, my fingers were gone for a walk again.

i got my other hand and started caressing her hair slowly, it was softer than silk. she made some faint sounds but she didn't wake up. "what a different place" i thought to myself. that time of the year was always an ugly season where i lived, yet here, i could spend a lifetime. i knew anywhere with her would be where i wanted to be but this place had something different. the word paradise came to my mind and made me smile.

going to a catholic school as a child, they painted a certain picture in my mind of a so called paradise but after spending a couple of days here, it made me think that even god didn't know what he was doing. god... i smiled again. i couldn't remember how i endured those three long years there. i still remembered that day when i ran to my dad's shop after school and yelled "i don't wanna go there anymore!". i was scared as shit and sure that he was going to scold me but instead, he just said "ok." was it really okay? -hell it wasn't. and then he added "don't tell it to your mother." i remembered my mom being upset with me for almost a month but in the end she gave up, i was her only child after all. we never talked about it.

"paradise is where you are." i whispered, and then kept looking out of the window. "there's no such thing as paradise, stupid." she said. i looked at her and her eyes were still closed, "good morning to you too ugly face." i said with a smiling voice. "guess you haven't looked at a mirror in a long time." she replied and i started tickling her. "stop it i'm sleeping!" she yelled while laughing like a little girl. "stop it! stop it!" then she somehow got on top of me and shouted "revenge will be mine!". she was tickling me like she wanted me to die of laughter, i stopped her and then pulled her close to me. i started to kiss her lips slowly.

she was breathless when she said "there's your good morning.", "just good?" i replied and then i saw the smile on her face. "what do you want to eat tonight?" she asked me and i said "didn't you have some stuff to do today?". "i do indeed. but i can pick somethings up from the farmers market on the way home." she replied. it was weird that she called our hotel home. well, it wasn't exactly a hotel but it was one of those places like bungalows where you rented and stayed for some weeks. "why don't you leave that to me for today?" i said. "i want to cook for you tonight." i added. she looked amazed, "wow! what did i do to be worthy of this honor?" she asked. "shut up." i replied.

we got up, took a shower together and then drank coffee and ate some tropical shit the locals adored and sold at high prices to tourists. we got dressed, she looked like an angel, even wearing the simplest things. i opened the door and she got out and said "what a gentleman.", i locked the door and replied "only for my lady." i kissed her and she said "i love you.", i replied "i love you more." and we walked on opposite directions. i heard her saying "maybe in your dreams." with a funny voice as we turned our backs to each other. after walking one or two meters i stopped and looked back. i watched her walk away, the woman i loved. i thought to myself that how lucky i was. when she was out of sight, i turned back and headed to the farmers market. it didn't even cross my mind that this would be the last day i saw her.


i was the one to get out first, it was a cold to the bone kind of night. joel and brock were still inside and i couldn't hear what they were talking. i wasn't even sure if they were talking. at the first glimpse, my eyes spotted brock's pickup truck. it was covered in mud, which was kind of odd since it didn't rain even a bit for the last two months. maybe he was just an i-like-it-dirty kind of guy.

i always liked that house, ever since the first day we stayed there when we were just teenagers. it used to belong to joel's uncle but he never told me how did it become his. it was located in the middle of a grove all by itself, surrounded by white oak trees. we used to see foxes around it but that was a long time ago i guess. we helped a mother fox, lucy, to give birth to three little babies and i still remembered how great it felt to witness new lives being born. sadly, two of them died shortly after their birth and we named the last one standing rocky. he was a tough one. we went there every week, taking shifts, for almost four months until lucy and rocky were ready to go back to their habitat. but it's never easy adjusting to wild life after being treated like babies. two months later joel's uncle told him that lucy was shot when she entered someone's house looking for food. she would never harm anybody, she was just hungry. he didn't tell us who did it and we never saw rocky after that; but deep inside, i knew that he was still out there, still as tough as the day he was born into my hands.

after a while; i heard the door closing and as joel let the doorknob go, fluffy started to bark like crazy. it was just heartbreaking. brock started to walk to his truck and i went near joel. i didn't know what to say, "i'm sorry." i murmured. "it's okay." he replied. "let's go." he added. we started to walk towards the vehicle when i noticed that brock's boots were also covered in mud.

we got inside, i was sitting at the back. brock started the engine and took off quite aggressively. no one was saying a word as we headed to the unknown. well, unknown to me. i was looking out of the window as we were getting close to the main road which would supposedly take us to the city. sweetheart come by nick cave and the bad seeds was playing on the radio as my eyes slowly started to close. even in all that anxiety, the song did it's trick. once again.

when i woke up, we were moving at a constant speed on an unfamiliar road. there were tall trees on both sides of the road but since it was dark, it was hard to tell what kind of trees they were. it was picturesque though. it could easily be a postcard, reading "a drive in the night..." on the back. joel and brock were having some sort of conversation and as far as i could hear, they were talking about football. they didn't seem concerned much, talking about football does make you forget things. how long did i sleep? where were we? where were we going? as questions meddled with my mind, my eyes crossed joel's from the wing mirror and he said; "good morning princess.". "wow! look who's awake." brock added and i immediately felt like i somehow managed to return to age 10 and was having a drive with my older brothers. "do you smoke too much?" brock asked and i replied yawning, "what?". "you snored too much, so i wondered." he said. how did he manage to hear my snoring between all that noise inside the truck? "i snore when i'm stressed, or tired." i said with an uncaring look. "i see." he replied. "but i do smoke a lot." i added, as if it had any importance.

"we were starting to get a bit bored." said joel. "without you, there wasn't much fun in our conversations." he added. "thanks dude." brock said, giving him a tender look. "if i was the missing fun in your conversations, then you two surely are hopeless." i said. they both laughed, only for a second. i didn't like this. i didn't like it at all. there was something in the air, like something we had to talk about but no one dared to bring it up. trying to divert the subject or say something funny just to save the moment but the tension was still there, hanging like an old chandelier.

"you know, before you came in like a rapist; i was asking n. something and he was giving me one of his usual shitty answers." joel said to brock. "maybe you can do better." he added. "sure." brock replied, "as if we have something better to do. shoot." he said. "okay..." joel started, "have you ever regretted anything?" he asked. "oh god, again?" i said with a desperate voice. "if this is going to be our conversation, i'm going back to sleep." i added. "oh come on! don't be a wet blanket for once!" joel cried with disappointment. "our newlyweds are hitting it off again!" brock yelled with a smile on his face. "can't you just answer the question?" joel insisted. "what was the question?" brock looked confused. "you two are really alike in many ways..." joel said. he had a "why don't you just die?" kind of look on his face. "how hard is it to remember a fuckin-" he got interrupted as brock took a sharp left and tried to grab the handle but failed terribly. "where did you get your license?" he asked, "what license?" brock replied. "whatever." he seemed pissed. "the question is; have you ever regretted anything?" he asked for the second time. "god damn regret!" shouted brock and managed to put a smile on my face. "really?" joel was two shades lighter than a tomato. "giving a shitty answer is one thing, but quoting the same fucking movie?" his growing anger put an even bigger smile on my face and i could see the same on brock's as well. there was something weird about this guy. he acted stupid but it was obvious that he wasn't. i felt that soon enough, i would find out whatever it was, along with many other things. "well, if you want a decent answer; i regret not banging your girlfriend even once." brock said and as soon as he finished his sentence, joel punched him in the face. he steered left out of reflex and we almost hit an oncoming car. "what the fuck are you doing?!" brock and i shouted at the same time. "it's the second time you mentioned her tonight, on the third time-" brock hit the brakes saying "holy shit!"

"what happened?" joel asked. "do you see the police control ahead?" brock replied. "yeah, so what?" joel seemed confused. brock started to sweat as far as i could see and he said, "we can't pass through that. they are going to stop us, we have to return and reroute.". "what the fuck are you talking about?" joel asked. "if you're worried about the guns, they are all licensed."

"guns? plural?" i interrupted but joel cut me off saying; "n. please it's really not the time." i was surely 10. that was settled. "it's not the guns, joel; it's the thing... in the trunk." brock said. "what the fuck is in the trunk god dammit?" joel asked, his eyes were getting bigger. "you know it." brock replied. "oh shit... oh fuck... i thought you've taken care of it before you came to pick us up." joel was sweating as well. "that was the plan god dammit." he added. "well, i ran into some trouble and-"

"and you weren't planning to tell me until we came across some cops?" joel was panicking too much, i've never seen him like that before. "you're seriously retarded. fuck! what are we going to do?" he was turning his head left and right as if he was trying to find an exit. "we will figure it out." brock replied. i knew i had to ask it way earlier but all that fuss and everything that happened that night put the words in my mouth and sealed it shut. i couldn't think straight. i was sweating as well. what have we gotten ourselves into? i had to ask... i had to ask. they were quarreling like crazy, yelling, shouting; i couldn't make it out what they were saying anymore. it was getting darker and darker as if i was being pulled down to a bottomless well. i was losing my strength, it was happening again. i was giving myself to the hands of fear. i tried to focus, i had to ask... i had to ask. "what's in the trunk?" they didn't hear me. maybe i couldn't even speak. "what's in the trunk?" same thing happened again.

what's in the trunk? what's in the trunk? what's in the trunk? what's in the trunk?

"WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK?!" finally i was able to make myself heard. "don't tell him brock." joel said suddenly. "please don't. he's still not ready, he will panic. we can't risk him losing control now.". brock looked drained, "we have to tell, he has to know." he replied. "i'm sick of your shit joel! enough! you're not going to hide things from me anymore!" i was shouting like crazy, i felt life just flowed back inside me. "what's in the trunk?!" i asked again. there was a silence. maybe for some seconds but it felt like a lifetime. joel was looking down at his feet, brock was grabbing the wheel as if he was going to break it and all the world stood still for a moment.

"there's a body." joel said.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

you thought i was down 
you thought i was gone 
thought i wasn't around 
you thought i left you alone 
but look up in the sky 
just look up in the sky 
see that i'm everywhere 
shining down on you 

Friday, March 28, 2014

need for speed

this is my first review kind of post, don't worry it contains no spoilers. i just couldn't help myself after seeing the movie, it was amazing. maybe you won't feel the same, maybe it's not your thing, maybe it's because of my mood or maybe it's just because i'm a big fan of the series i don't know but i loved it! if you're going to see it, you should definitely see it on the big screen. you should feel the god damn engine of the mustang! or agera of course.

about the movie, well, there's a lot to say but i don't want to ruin anything. seeing aaron paul after such a short period after breaking bads finale didn't feel weird at all. the guy's a great actor and he embraced the character well. but the main thing i want to mention is however, it's not one of your generic race-action movies. it definitely made me realize what a bullshit the fast and the furious series was. i like f&f, no offense in that, but those movies always missed something. the feeling. being realistic. of course if you're into vin diesel transforming into a car and flying and shooting missiles, that's the place to go.

need for speed made me feel all kinds of emotions in a mere two hour screen time. sadness, anger, laughter, heart-stopping excitement, love... it really had it all. and those povs! i actually don't like last gen 3D hype but nfs was amazingly well done. it really makes you feel like you're hitting 370 km/h in that beast of a mustang. you just can't watch this movie anywhere else but at the theater. also the soundtrack choices were perfect. linkin park - roads untraveled is one of them but if you don't know it already, i don't recommend listening it before seeing the end of the movie.

of course it had it's flaws, it's a movie after all but it didn't have law of physics defying bullshit. well, maybe one. it might be the excitement of having just seen it or something else but take my word: if you happen to see this post (which is highly unlikely), just go and watch it before it closes. and if you are unsatisfied, i'll pay you whatever you paid for it back. really i will, it's so easy these days after all. come on, start the engine already!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

the boy with black eyes

today a kid died in turkey. he was hit in the head by a teargas canister 269 days ago while he was out to buy some bread and lived in a coma until this morning. he just died like that, how easy... we can not comprehend this, no matter how hard we try. this is a country like that. i'm not going to write some wise-ass shit or some political stuff. there's too much to be said but also too little. if you wonder, it's everywhere. just type berkin elvan in google and please take a moment to think a little. just a little.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

since 1895

of all the things, waiting is the hardest i guess. especially when you don't know what you are waiting for or when. not knowing when sucks. it helps you to slowly open up a bottle, like a past addiction. the funny thing is, you are not scared of it anymore. it can happen again. far worse things have happened and you have gained some sort of tolerance. not strength. tolerance. you've actually become weaker.

as a man grows older, he becomes more scared. and you'd think the opposite would happen, no. a man learns what's real and as he learns, he starts to forget. i once thought that forgetting is better, i even had it tattooed on me. i don't regret it because i have also had the trinity. the triangles of black, white and gray; which means there is not just forgetting or remembering. years of hard work leads you into a state of foolishness, where you kind of return to the beginning when you never knew anything. and how can you run away from that?

when i was younger, i had this dilemma about fate or coincidence. now i know it's neither. it's just a choice you make. when you're drunk or sober, it doesn't make a difference. i wonder if there's someone who looks back from time to time and says "i don't regret anything.". they say regret makes you stronger but i think it makes you realize how stupid you are. how can a person regret everyday and not learn anything from it? the system makes us numb. yes. just blame it on the system.

but don't you think instead of a so called system, there's actually an apparent chaos? if you think about that too much, every morning will stop seeming like a new day but a continuum. it never is a new day unless you are a new person. so how can one become a new person? changing friends? cities? change the way you shave your beard or the way you eat? would only eating vegetables really make you healthier? change makes some sad, and some changes not to be sad. what a paradox.

don't you think a lifetime is too short for all this? so why can only airplanes connect us? can a man still be brave if he's afraid? how would i know... the bottle's empty, care for another round? i thought so.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

day 6

there are beautiful things everywhere. beautiful things around us, within our grasp. yet sometimes, we tend to forget. sometimes... most of the time.

lips, eyes, hair... a wonderland. tell me how? how to know when? like that one day up above the sky, right next to a rainbow the wind held your hand, kissed you on your cheeks. you blushed, you looked down. underneath the sky you saw what you didn't want and immediately closed your eyes. then the wind kissed you from your eyes, you smiled.

like that one day beneath the shadow of an old oak tree the grass tickled you. you were softer than silk, so pure. how could i touch you? why did you let me? i wasn't even there, it wasn't me. someone else looked at you through my eyes, someone else did all those bad things.

but why would you believe? how could you... it was just day six, the beginning of a timeless promise.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

your daily prophet

"another sun will shine on us, on another day. another love will find us, while the other one passes away. ano-

oh fuck that crap. you know we're knee-deep in shit.

Friday, January 10, 2014


the city kills you. around 10 in the night, i miss you. where are you? what are you doing? in a concrete jungle, separated by fate which is quite old fashioned if you ask me. but what's not?

shiny buildings reflect from your eyes while you take a sip from whatever's in your glass. you smile, what a lie. do they know who you are, where you wanna be? or are they interested in something else? that special something you think that's moving you, while the city kills you. 

make a wish tonight, while the stars shine bright. but you can't see them right? your eyes've been blinded by all these deceptive lights. 

sometimes i wonder, is there a place to return to? sleep to reality and wake up to a dream. is there a place where i won't die every night? a place to calm my mind. would you like to come along? to a distant somewhere we could belong. 

i ask all these questions and fail to answer any. but i know when i'm gone, i won't leave behind many. and i hope with all my heart that someday you'll break through; so when i'm not around to take your hand, the city can't kill you.