since 1895

of all the things, waiting is the hardest i guess. especially when you don't know what you are waiting for or when. not knowing when sucks. it helps you to slowly open up a bottle, like a past addiction. the funny thing is, you are not scared of it anymore. it can happen again. far worse things have happened and you have gained some sort of tolerance. not strength. tolerance. you've actually become weaker.

as a man grows older, he becomes more scared. and you'd think the opposite would happen, no. a man learns what's real and as he learns, he starts to forget. i once thought that forgetting is better, i even had it tattooed on me. i don't regret it because i have also had the trinity. the triangles of black, white and gray; which means there is not just forgetting or remembering. years of hard work leads you into a state of foolishness, where you kind of return to the beginning when you never knew anything. and how can you run away from that?

when i was younger, i had this dilemma about fate or coincidence. now i know it's neither. it's just a choice you make. when you're drunk or sober, it doesn't make a difference. i wonder if there's someone who looks back from time to time and says "i don't regret anything.". they say regret makes you stronger but i think it makes you realize how stupid you are. how can a person regret everyday and not learn anything from it? the system makes us numb. yes. just blame it on the system.

but don't you think instead of a so called system, there's actually an apparent chaos? if you think about that too much, every morning will stop seeming like a new day but a continuum. it never is a new day unless you are a new person. so how can one become a new person? changing friends? cities? change the way you shave your beard or the way you eat? would only eating vegetables really make you healthier? change makes some sad, and some changes not to be sad. what a paradox.

don't you think a lifetime is too short for all this? so why can only airplanes connect us? can a man still be brave if he's afraid? how would i know... the bottle's empty, care for another round? i thought so.

365 and gone

day 6

there are beautiful things everywhere. beautiful things around us, within our grasp. yet sometimes, we tend to forget. sometimes... most of the time.

lips, eyes, hair... a wonderland. tell me how? how to know when? like that one day up above the sky, right next to a rainbow the wind held your hand, kissed you on your cheeks. you blushed, you looked down. underneath the sky you saw what you didn't want and immediately closed your eyes. then the wind kissed you from your eyes, you smiled.

like that one day beneath the shadow of an old oak tree the grass tickled you. you were softer than silk, so pure. how could i touch you? why did you let me? i wasn't even there, it wasn't me. someone else looked at you through my eyes, someone else did all those bad things.

but why would you believe? how could you... it was just day six, the beginning of a timeless promise.