Thursday, September 18, 2014

hello world

long time no see. i kind of missed this place. my girly diary that no one reads, but still a pretty big deal for me because at times this is the only place that i can be myself.

i come from a country where dreams die everyday. a country where the spark of life and joy left people's eyes long ago. i feel that there is only sadness here; grief, hate and an awful lot of misunderstandings. and it's not only for me, it's everywhere. it's not new that i don't like this place and want to leave it asap but lately, there is something more than that.

honestly i'm not having the greatest of times lately but whenever i happen to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a freight train coming my way. and each time i become more hopeless. hetfield anyone?

the best time of my life is now two years behind me, with all that it gave and with all that it took. i always thought it was good that i lived it, with whatever happened but lately i feel that maybe it was not. you ask why? well...

it opened my eyes. the eyes which were covered for 20 years. it made me see. made me feel. i saw how easy everything actually was; how easy it was to live, to love, to trust, to be happy. i saw how life was actually meant to be and how it is stolen from us here. i saw things that were unfair and the only thing in my power to fix it was leaving this place. but now i realize the ugly truth; i'm trapped in a swamp with people pushing me further into it.

wherever i turn my eyes, i see sadness. sad people feeding off of other people's sadness. can a place really exist where other people's sadness make some others happy? yes it can. it exists right at the spot of a supposed bridge that connects east and west but the only thing it actually connects is some shit to some other.

maybe there are reasons, maybe there are explanations but i'm tired of it all. i'm tired of seeing grown up people act like children. i'm tired of seeing people that don't talk to each other for the stupidest of reasons and are unable to talk the way humans supposed to do. i'm tired of how people never try to fix things but always try to make them worse. i'm tired of seeing how love fades, even the strongest ones. i'm tired of seeing how one is always right and there is no other way for them. i'm tired of how strict we are, how stubborn we are, how hateful we are and how full of shit we are. i'm tired of it all.

how easy it is to lose someone, when it is so hard to get to know them in the first place.

i used to have hope, have dreams that drove me but now it's darker than ever. i come from a country where i die everyday, among many others. when i wrote sad things before, many years ago and were so emo, i hated life. now it's not like that. i love life. but back then i wanted to die a real death when i was surrounded by light because i was too stupid and now i want to live a real life but surrounded by darkness. guess the timing's never right huh?

everyone's so sad in this place so if your way ever crosses here, just change it. and hope that i can also change it someday. the need to breathe has never been greater.