2012

hani konuşmamak gelir ya bazen içinden
bir şeyler vardır ama anlatamazsın
bilemezsin

dakikalar saniyelerden kaçar ve bakarsın
senden koşarak uzaklaşan tüm o şeylere
yenileri eklenir ve onlar da kaybolur

korktuğunu itiraf edersin kendine
ama rahatlayamazsın
korkarak gideceğin yere
bugün varamazsın

güçlü kelimelerin vardır belki
düşüncelerin, gözlerinden dökülen
hissedemezken daha fazla bir şeyi
var olduğunu sanarsın

suçlusundur pek çok şeyde
bilirsin ama kabullenemezsin
derin bir iç çekişte
dışarıya kim bilir kimleri verirsin

ve bir de geri dönenler vardır
çok istediğin halde dudakların düğümlenir
saçmalarsın
tekrar gitmelerinden korkar
susarsın

en mutlu olduğunu sandığın anda
ağlamak için yırtınırsın ve
bir tek damla düşmez gözlerinden
anlayamazsın
ağlayamazsın

sarılırsın seni sen yapan o şeye
var gücünle sıcaklığını hissedersin
ama bilirsin ki birinizden biri bırakmak zorunda
o sen olsan da üzülürsün
olmasan da

ve her gün dışarı çıktığında
yüzlerine bakıp sırıtırsın
kimse bir şey bilmez
böyle gülücüklerle dolu bir dünya
hadi artık lütfen dur biraz
ve ağla

schizo

"how is it like to feel alone?" he asked. "i never feel alone." i replied. 

it was dark but i could feel him looking at me. he said; "but you're alone now."

he was waiting for an answer. 

"i know." i said. 

"so how does it feel?"

"i like being alone." i murmured. by that time, i had already lost the count of how many times i said that. "is that so?" he asked and i said "yes." as if i was telling him the sky was blue. 

"you always say that but i'm sure deep inside you know it's not true." 

i raised my eyebrows as i felt terribly uncomfortable. was he right? could it be true? he would know. he knew everything. i never questioned his judgement but he always questioned mine. 

"i think it's time for you to go." i whispered silently and as i stopped talking, i could feel that he was no longer here. then a soft wind touched the back of my neck, as it sent the chills down my spine and i heard:

"but you know i always am."

see you on the other side

i'm not gonna blame anyone or anything. i'm not gonna curse them. because no matter how much i wish for them to suffer, it's always the innocents who pay the price. it could be me, or someone i love who'll be forgotten in less than a week. maybe even 48 hours. now i'm just afraid and that's all i can say. i'm scared.

how many, who or how are totally irrelevant to me now. it doesn't matter. it won't change anything. all it does is to make me wonder; why am i living, why do i try so hard, towards what do i keep paddling if it's all going to end in an instant and because of reasons that are unknown to me. why do i have to fear a war, that i never wanted to be a part of? or forget about me, just ask the same questions for those people who happened to be passing through that street today.

until today, i tried not to think about these things. i tried to keep my mind off of them. but i can't anymore. i don't know how to explain this but even though i didn't read or learn much about what happened today, there is this feeling that haunts me inside my house. haunts me in whichever room i wander. it is as if all that death collapse on me and i'm sure that i'm not the only one feeling this.

they are dead. what else there is to say? they are dead like the ones who died some months ago or the ones who died some months before that or the ones who keep dying everyday in the east. they are just dying. like i could just die. like you could. will i forget about it tomorrow, or the next day? what happens if i still remember it after some time? what will change, who will change it?

it's just messed up, like every other stupid shit in this country.

i don't blame you, so please don't blame me.

see you on the other side.